Narcissism is the new Black!

Okay, this is going to be a really long post, but it is worth it.

So, I was cruising/trolling Craigs List for any eligible bachelor that had even HALF a micodum of sense when I came across one that appeared promising!

Unfortunately, he has removed his ad, so I cannot copy it, but I will do my best to describe it:

Single, Professional DOCTOR, seeking Asian or Caucasian.

(Note: He was the ONLY one in the past 40 or so ads that had spelled Caucasian correctly)

Seeking attractive woman for intelectual conversation, blah blah blah...
I'm a physician, blah blah blah
I am secure so I dont care about anyone elses' opinion blah blah blah

Okay, a little cocky maybe, but secure, doctor, etc. So, now begins our exchange!

I say:
Hello.

I am not at all offended by your directness; it is actually refreshing. I am not Asian, but I am Caucasian, in relatively good shape (5' 5", 124lbs, size 2), and in a professional position at my place of employment. I find it amusing that you used a car analogy, as I am IN the car business.

I am not sure if your allusion to young and fertile is a allusion to your desire for children or not, but just to alleviate any confusion, I have already produced all of the children I am ever going to. He is almost 11, and wonderful. So, if you are seeking to procreate I would not be the woman for you.

However, if you are looking for a woman who is kind but determined, loving but not a pushover, secure but still wants to be coddled by someone who loves her, self-sufficient but craves security, confident but sensitive then I am the one you should talk to.

Please do not hold it against me that I live on the Easter Shore side of The Bridge! I am only here for the benefit of my son. (His father lives 20 minutes away).

I would say that while not a new vehicle, I would qualify as a Certified Pre-Owned unit!

--
Iva
(Ee-vah)

HE SAYS:

Dear Iva,

Thank you for your response. I am a Professor of Medicine, Pharmacology and Nursing and specialize in the area of drug development for Cancer.
I am in the Bethesda area, and enjoy weight lifting, reading, working out, learning about other cultures and so forth.

I am at work, but I enjoy what I do....


What do you do in your free time? What would you like to do in the future? What would make you happier?

Do yo have any questions?

Joseph

I say:
Hmmm,
Don't think I have ever come across a guy-bot before.

I am glad you enjoy what you do.

Iva

HE SAYS:
A guy bot? I take it you have had bad experiences/

Joseph

I say:
No bad experience. Just disheartened by your illattentiveness to MY
response . Your very terse, unemotional, disassociative set of
questions was very disconcerting. I felt very compartmentalized and
as if you didn't even incorporate my alluded queries into your
response. Sorry, I was looking for a give and take situation, not an
interrogation.

HE SAYS:
I am sorry, but, I also had a friend of mine - another physician- who is a Psychiatrist look at your emails. I concur with his observation that you most likely suffer from Narcissitic personality disorder according to the DSM-IV and are need of a psychiatric evaluation. This said, I will not respond to any emails from you nor answer any as I feel until you seek help, you will be unable to get involved with or be able to maintain a normal relationship.

Good luck,

Joseph

I say: CAN YOU FREAKING BELIVE THIS GUY???

But ow funny is that? I really, really, really wanted to say back to him, "Hmmmm. Sounds like a classic case of 'Takes one to know one' " But I didn't. I was too normal of a response.

So, anyone out there that thinks they may want to date me, make sure you review my full psychiatric evaluation!!!!!!

FaceBookin' It!

Well, I am no longer a FaceBook virgin. Thanks to Rachel. (I seem to have a lot of things to thank Rachel for). And if she would unlock her blog I would link to her.

FaceBook is a very interesting sort of beast. It rather reminds me of being in the locker room at the gym. The very full locker room. The very full co-ed locker room.

I mean, there you are just minding your own business, soaping up, scrubbing away, and you feel a sudden Tap! Tap! "Hey, can I borrow your shampoo?" (Translate: Hey, wanna be my friend?).
You are either elated that you know this person, and you don't mind them seeing you in all of your naked glory (translate: seeing your full profile/pix/status), or you scramble guiltily for an excuse as to why they cannot borrow your shampoo (or whatever else they asked to borrow; use your imagination, or not). (Translate: press "Decline") That, thankfully is where my simile ends. It is such a personal and invasive mode of communication, but I guess only to the point you allow it to be.

I am still scared of it. (Translate: walking to the shower with a very large towel on!)

Double Header: Stick it to the Man, Little Boy!

Yeah, so; I have had a migrane for 3 days, but being a mother, have still had to function.

So, what to migraned moms do for their 10 year old sons?

Take them to the movies!
Nice and dark for mom.
Minimal movement for an hour and a half.
The movies that 10 year old boys like can still be cute.
And then the fun part: teach them how to obtain a double feature! (cough, RACHEL, cough!)
(He already knows how to use the self-purchase ticket machine and get the senior ticket for mom, duh!)

After watching BedTime Stories with Adam Sandler, it was still early and my head still hurt.

What to do? Dick's Sporting Goods? Wander the mall with the rest of the Rats? Go home and lie down just knowing he was in the basement making Molatov Cocktails with the stuff from the old dark room? {Yeah, the same darkroom where my ex-boyfriends daughter found the 1930's child porn!}

No! Mommy thinks of a much better idea! Lets go watch the OTHER movie Little Boy wanted to see. "For freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" (see BedTime Stories for that reference). So, after throwing away our trash like good responsible movie-goers, peeking around the corners for those scary teenage ushers, we quickly ducked into that Mouse movie! The one that teaches kids to be good, and honest, and chivalrous, and all that responsible stuff. :)

Okay, yeah, maybe it wasn't the best example in the world, but it was worth it. You should have seen Little Boy.
"Mommy! This is so evil!"
"What is evil, the MOVIE?"
"Nooooo...what we did!"
If you have ever seen a puppy that is excited to see you, wiggling and waggling its whole body, then you will know exactly what Little Boy was like for the first 20 minutes of the movie. It was fantastic.

Back In The Saddle Again

Hi All!

("All" being 4 of my family members that I will tell that I am posting again, that will read this post just to make me feel better).

I read my old blog last night. I am not quite depressed. More like amazed that I was so dumb. And desperate. At least the dumb things I am doing now have SOME positive benifit ("Boobs from Bud", Nice Jewels from Tiffany, No Utility Bills for a Bit, Great Sex with 'Ice Cream',etc)...

But was it worth it? That is what I am pondering these days.